I knew that it would be a New Year's Eve I would never forget; I just thought it would go a whole lot differently. It was supposed to be a night of drinking and partying, not death and pain.

The last day of 2004 started like every other day for me. I was curled up in my bed sleeping as late as possible, when there was a knock at the door. I mumbled "come in," thinking it was probably my sister, Courtney, or friend, Sarah to wake me up to go play in the snow. To my surprise it was my step-dad, Danny (we were not close, so he never woke me unless it was really important). He told me that, though I was 21, he did not want me out on the roads that evening. I could drink at home, but I was not to leave the house. I retorted with something to the affect that I was an adult, and he could not tell me what to do. What he said next will forever stick out in my mind. "Shana, I will do everything in my power to keep you home tonight." Then he walked out, and went to work.

Throughout the day, Sarah and I tried to figure out what we wanted to do, that did not involve going out. Finally we decided we would just get alcohol and snacks, and come back home. My mom was making enchiladas, so I was looking forward to a good night.

About 5:00 that evening, my boyfriend at the time, showed up unexpectedly. He barged through the front door and went straight to the kitchen where my mom was cooking.

"I am so sorry about Danny," he said.

"What are you talking about?" she responded, her voice breaking up.

"Oh, I thought you knew. He was in Auto Zone this afternoon and collapsed. I don't think he made it."

The next 30 minutes were a blur. Phone calls were made to hospitals, and when we could not find record of him there, we called the coroner's office. It was then that we had to accept the inevitable; my step-dad was gone.

I went into a numb state, everything went dark, and my mind started racing. There is no way this is happening. Dad was fine this morning. He is only 49. I didn't tell him good-bye.

Time seemed to stop and go faster all at the same time. There was still things going on around me, but I was paralyzed in time. Phone calls to family members were made, people started showing up, and I just sat there. It was then the "fight or flight" mode went into effect. I wanted to runaway from everything. I wanted to go somewhere where I could just cry or talk to someone about everything. I knew I could not do that in my own house, because it was about my mom losing her husband.

Since my mom was so preoccupied with everything, it was easy to slip out of my house, unnoticed. I went for a drive to a friends house, where I spilled out every feeling I had, how I loved this guy, and I wished I had gotten a chance to tell him. I cried and talked for hours, until I didn't think there was anything left inside of me. Then I drove home.

It was during the 20 minute ride home that it hit me that he had followed through with what he had said that morning. "Shana, I will do everything in my power to keep you home tonight." And it was then for the first time in the 9 years that he was with my mom that I allowed myself to feel real love. I knew from then on out I would be a better person because of him.

[I do wear make up] Surprisingly I enjoy the act of putting make up on, I like the fact that I feel pretty and, though they are still actually there, I feel like I am covering up all my impurities. [When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look] I like to look at myself, I am such a girly girl. [I wear nail polish] I love to change my nail polish like I change my clothes with every mood comes a new color... [I LOVE pink] I love the fact that in it I feel like a girl. [I have cried at a movie theatre] Only once not even sure what movie it was... [I have cried for no reason] You know anyone who has ever gotten that visit from Aunt Flo, knows that crying for no reason is inevitable at times. [I've wrecked a car on purpose] True Confessions... driving my car into that guardrail on the grade wasn't completely accidental... [I love cuddling] Yes the queen of "dont touch me" likes to cuddle. [I have dressed like a slut to get attention] "Bad attention is better than no attention" was my philosophy for many years and I thought I needed to. [I love to laugh] Anyone that knows me knows that I laugh at everything, it is how I cope with all that is going on in my life... [I've flashed someone/some people] Yes Yes I think I have flashed many people in high school- lol. [I carry a purse everywhere] I must always carry the essentials.. cell phone... lip gloss.. wallet.. lotion... bandaids... you know the "good" stuff. [I carry my cell phone at all times] Yes, all 3 of them! [I do own a spice girls CD] Well, yes, but only for when Sarah need to be nostalgic. [I play hard to get] Only because I really am hard to get. [I've been called a tease] Honestly what girl hasn't?? [I'm a bitch. Deal with it] Very much so! [My friends are the best, and they're important to me] Yes all of them... Sarah... Courtney... All of them!!

I never write anymore, because [a] I don't have time and [b] right now I don't feel what I have to say is too important.

I am losing my job, but I feel ok about it because I am making a stand. I am not going to work for a company that will treat my family that way they do. My family that stuck by even when they didn't have to. But that is fine they can do that.

I am losing my house, but again it is ok... I will make it. As my grandma said, I am a Berthelson... I am a Mason... I am a Moore, I can weather any storm. [I pray I really can]

Crazy people... all of them, not the real 5150's, but the people who just act crazy...

[.mom.]
[.dad.]

They all fit in the same category.

[.people who think jail is a joke.]

Lovely if you ask me!!

I used to believe that [.she.] could walk on water, even after I had reached the wonderful world of teenagerhood she was my hero... [.she.] could be a single mom... [.she.] could cook dinner, talk on the phone and do laundry at the same time.

But heroes don't do drugs.... and heroes don't get arrested....

I guess [.she.] isn't a hero after all!!